Chapter 12

(Later. Ellie wakes up in the hayshed at her house where they've been staying and sees Lee. She is in the sun.)

Ellie: Oh, it's gone up about ten degrees. I'm baking away here. I'll have to move. I mus have been asleep longer than I thought. (she picks up her blanket and moves to the other side of Lee.) Do you want anything? Can I get you anything? Did yous leep much? Is your leg hurting a lot?

Lee: I'm fine.

Ellie: (looking out over the property.) It's beautiful, isn't it? Living here all my life, some days I don't even notice how beautiful it is. I still can't believe we may be about to lose it. But it's made me notice it al now. I notice every tree, every rock, every paddock, every sheep. I want to photograph it in my memory, in case...well, in case.

Lee: It is beautiful. you're lucky. Ther's nothing beautiful about the restaurant. And yet, I feel the same way about it as you do about your property. i think it's because we did it all ourselves. If someone smashes a window they're smashing glass that Dad cut, glass that I polished a thousand times, and they're tearing curtains that Mom made. You get an attachment to the place, and it becomes special to you. I guess maybe it does take on a kind of beauty.

Ellie: (moving closer to Lee) Did you feel awful when you found it all wrecked?

Lee: There was so much to feel awful about I didn't know where to start. I don't think it's hit me even yet.

Ellie: No, me neither. When we got here this morning and I found they'd been here...I don't know. I'd expected it, but I still felt awful, but I didn't feel awful enough. Then I felt guilty about not feeling worse. I think it's like you said, too many things. Too much has happened.

Lee: Yes.

Ellie: And then I think about carrie and how it must be terrible for her, much worse than for me. For all you guys with little brothers and sisters. That must be terrible. and imagine how Chris's parents would feel, being overseas, probably not being able to get back into the country, not having a clue what's happend to Chris.

Lee: We don't know how widespread this thing is. It could involve a lot of countries. Remember that joke we made, up in Hell, about World War Three? We could have been right onto it.

(Lee puts his arm around Ellie, and they lay there, silent for a while.)

Ellie: I dreamed about you.

Lee: When?

Ellie: Just now, this morning, here on the haystack.

Lee: Did you? What did you dream?

Ellie: Oh...that we were doing something like we were doing now.

Lee: Really? I'm glad it came true.

Ellie: So am I.

(They start to kiss, but Ellie shrugs free)

Ellie: I'd better go and see how Chris is getting on.

(Ellie goes to find Chris, who is on sentry duty. He has fallen asleep. She gets mad at him and starts yelling at him and kicking him.)

Chris: Geez Ellie, take it easy.

Ellie: Take it easy? Yeah, that's what you were doing all right. If we take it easy any more, we're dead. Don't you understand how it's all changed Chris? Don't you understand that If you don't you might as well get a rifle and finish us all off now. Because you're as good as doing htat by taking it easy.

(Chris walks away, muttering and red faced. Ellie sits down in his spot.)

(show this as she speaks. We shouldn't have her say all of this. We can show some of it another way - I'll just copy straight from the book for the moment.)

Ellie: I think I went into some sort of delayed shock. I'd blocked off all my emotional reactions because there hadn't been the time or the opportunity for those luxuries. But it's like they say, emotion denied is emotion deferred. Id' done so much deferring, and now the bank had called in the load. Most of that afternoon is blank to me. homer told me much later that I'd spent hours wrapped in blankests, sitting in a corner of the haystack, shivering and telling everyone to be careful. I guess I went down the same path as Corrie had, just in a slightly different way.
Homer drove the Landrover up to Tailor's stitch. Somehow, I walked into Hell late that night, cralled into a tent beside Carrie, who was hysterical with joy to see us, and slept for three days, waking only for occasional meals, toilet trips, and brief mumbled conversations. I do remember consoling Chris, who was sure tha the'd been the cause of my having a nervous breakdown. I didn't think to ask how Lee had got in to Hell, but when I gradually got my wits back I found that they'd made a bush stretcher and carried him in; Robyn and Homer taking turns at one end of the stretcher and the lightly built Chris carrying the other, all the way down into the dark. So I guess he atoned.

(Ellie wakes up in the tent. Carrie is there.)

Carrie: Hello.

Ellie: Hi.

Carrie: How are you feeling?

Ellie: Good.

Carrie: Hungry?

Ellie: Yes, I am a bit.

Carrie: I'm not surprised. You haven't had anything since the day before yesterday.

Ellie: Oh. haven't I?

Carrie: Come on, I'll fix you something. You like eggs?

Ellie: Sure.

(they go and Carrie starts fixing something for Ellie.)

Ellie: (presently) I had terrible nightmares the days I was sleeping.

Carrie: Really? What happened?

Ellie: It was terrible. Demonic figures ran screaming from me, I felt skulls crush under my feet. There were burning bodies stretched out their hands, begging for mercy. I killed everyone, even the people I loved most. I was careless with gas bottles and caused an explosion which blew up the house, with my parents in it. I ste fire to a haystack where all of my friends were sleeping. I backed a car over my cousin and couldn't rescue my dog when he got caught in a flood. And I ran around everywhere begging for help, screaming to people to call an ambulance, but no one responded. They seemed uninterested. They weren't cruel, just too busy or uncaring. I was a devil of death, and there were not angels left in the world, no one to make me better than myself or to save me from the harm I was doing.

Carrie: what do you think it means?

Ellie: I don't know...I think it's because of killing those soldiers that night, blowing up the mower. It has bothered me ever since. I took lives. I don't know if I'm doing this because I care for my friends or because I value my life above the soldiers'. I mean, how many lives would I take to save my own? A hundred? A thousand?

Carrie: Ellie, we're in a war now. There are different rules.

Ellie: I know.

(silence for a while.)

Ellie: Carrie?

Carrie: Yeah?

Ellie: I'm confused.

Carrie: About what?

Ellie: The other day in the haystack, I was sitting with Lee, and...we started kissing.

Carrie: (Surprised) What?!

Ellie: I don't know. I'm so confused right now. I mean, there is so much happening. The day before, on the way to get Robyn and Lee, I had been holding hands with Phil, and feeling so warm and good about it, and then the next day, there I was with Lee. I didn't kiss him, I mean, I didn't have plans to become the local slut, and didn't want to get involved with two guys at once. But then there's Amy and Phil...I don't know what to think.

Carrie: Wow.

Ellie: I don't know...I mean, I don't know if anything will come out of it anyway. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Besides, I feel like I shouldn't be worrying so much about this when there's a war going on.

Carrie: Ellie, it's normal. Don't worry about it. I think you're doing the right thing. Come on, let's go see if we can get anything on the radio.